


May I Have You For Dinner?

by elephantuna



Category: One Piece
Genre: Alcohol, Bad Puns, Comedy, Dark Comedy, Gen, Horror, Implied Cannibalism, Spoiler: the Straw Hats do not eat a person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:41:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28567113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elephantuna/pseuds/elephantuna
Summary: My second submission for OP Bingo 2020, on the prompt 'horror'. The Straw Hats attend a very normal dinner, hosted by a very normal aristocrat.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 24
Collections: One Piece Bingo 2020/2021





	May I Have You For Dinner?

“Excuse me,” said Usopp. “Do you think I could have a sandwich?”

“Pardon me?”

Usopp swallowed. “No, I mean, I’m sure you’re a great cook, but, well, um -- I just have this disease I actually got from a swarm of vicious mosquitoes, and if I have any dish with a red sauce I’ll--”

“You cannot have a sandwich,” snapped the host, Count De Lisces. Usopp quailed, and nodded quickly.

“Right! Right! Of course! I’ll just, uh, enjoy this meal! Yum yum! Yummy!” And he began picking at the vegetables without intent.

Sanji’s frown deepened, and he glared at the count. That was no way to treat a dinner guest. He could sympathize with not wanting to waste food, of course, but he could make an exception if the diner was clearly not going to eat it anyway. And from the way he was tucking in, their host would have no trouble polishing off another serving of -- Sanji looked down -- ...pork. With red sauce.

Sanji shot Usopp a look and mouthed _I’ll fix something up when we get back to the ship._ Then he cleared his throat, catching their host’s attention. “Count,” he said evenly, “this is a very interesting preparation. What did you say your secret was again?”

The count grinned. “The thing, you see, is to marinate the meat well. After seventy-two hours, you create a flavor so deep, so sublime --”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Count De Lisces blinked. For a second his mouth worked silently before he managed to spit out an “Excuse me?”

“You don’t marinate anything for three days. It’d start falling apart.” Sanji poked the uncarved slice of meat on his plate. “Honestly, do you even know how to cook?

The count’s eyes flicked from his plate to Sanji’s face. “Look,” he began, and stopped. “It’s an old family…” he trailed off. He closed his eyes for a second, collecting himself, and began again. “Why don’t we just -- _what on earth are you doing?!”_

Nami and Zoro turned, halfway to the ornate liquor cabinet. Zoro held up the empty bottle. “Refill.”

The count reddened. “That-- that was a seventy-nine year old vintage! That wine was an _heirloom!_ And you _finished it?”_

“Yeah,” Zoro said at the same time as Nami clasped her hands together.

“Your Excellency,” she said in a syrupy-sweet voice, “we were only trying to be good guests. If we don’t sample your wines, how can we compliment you on the range and profile of your good tastes?”

“This is a place of decency,” said the count in a low, dangerous, tolling tone. “For years and years my castle, _my island,_ has been a place of culture. A place of class! Sit down and eat your food and _stop ruining the ambience!”_

Franky cracked open a bottle of cola on his nose.

“Hey,” he said between gulps of carbonated sugar water, “where’s Robin?” Beside him, Chopper was examining his own untouched meal with forensic care.

“Sanji,” Chopper said, urgency in his voice. “Do you recognize this cut of pork?”

“No,” Sanji growled, “I don’t.” His hand closed around the knife reflexively, and he had to force it to open. He settled for pulling a cigarette from his pocket and lighting up. Unforgivably bad manners in most fine dining situations? Sure. In these conditions, though, he didn’t particularly care. And he was enjoying the look on Count De Lisces’ face.

“Luffy,” he said after a long pull. “What do you think?” Luffy looked up from his plate. It, too, was untouched. That about did it, Sanji thought. There was no reason Luffy wouldn’t clean his plate unless something was seriously wrong.

“It smells weird,” he said. “And this guy’s weird.”

“Hey!” squawked the count. Luffy turned to him, brow furrowed.

“What did you say your name was again?”

A smile spread across their host’s face like a bloodstain on a fine white tablecloth. He stood slowly, drawing himself up to his full height, savoring the moment like the finest of wines -- one his irritating guests couldn’t sample. “Count De Lisces,” he said slowly. “Count _Yannibal_ De Lisces.” He bit each syllable off, and let them fall into the spreading silence.

“Oh!” Said Brook. “How funny! Your name rhymes with _cannibal!_ Yohohoho-- that’s not really a skull joke, is it?”

“So this guy--” Sanji began.

“Cannibal,” said Usopp, shivering so hard the word came out with three Cs and five Bs.

“This is _people?”_ Said Luffy, pointing at his plate. Chopper nodded. Sanji stood so fast his chair went flying, raising one leg to lash out, but Yannibal’s hand was raised.

“Ah-ah-ah,” he said slowly. “Not so fast, Mister Know-It-All-About-Marinades. You’re forgetting someone, aren’t you?”

Sanji’s breath caught in his chest, and he froze. “Robin.”

“Indeed!” Yannibal cackled. “That lovely dark-haired angel… where is she now, I wonder?”

Franky sat upright, knocking his plate to the ground. His left hand was already unhinged, revealing the wide dark mouth of the gun barrel beneath. He leveled it at Yannibal’s chest. “Where _is_ she?”

“I have no way of knowing,” the count said. “She went wandering off, did she not? My castle is large and dark and full of… secrets. If she has delved too deeply, searched too ardently, she may not like what she has found. And I cannot guarantee no harm has come to her…” Sanji’s weight shifted, and Yannibal turned, clicking his tongue. “Mister Cook! No no no… indeed, her safety is not guaranteed. Indeed, a woman as… refined as her…” Yannibal’s eyes glazed over.

“What class. What _taste._ She is a cut above the rest of you, certainly. Perhaps I will be having her for dinner soon…” He focused on Sanji again. “Regardless, sir. I cannot guarantee her safety… but if you raise a hand to me, I _can_ guarantee you will _never see her again--”_

“Excuse me,” said Robin from the doorway. “I’m back.” Sanji turned, hearts in his eyes.

“Dearest, lovely Robin! You’re safe! Oh, darling, thank goodness, I was so worried! You aren’t hurt, are you? Where have you been?”

“Ah,” Robin said. “I was gone some time, wasn’t I? I apologize. I was on my way back from the restroom when a small, strange man with facial deformities tried to knock me unconscious.”

_“A-hem.”_

Robin looked down. Standing by her hip, a small, strange man with facial deformities was scowling up at her, arms crossed. She smiled.

“My apologies. I meant to say a small, strange man with an interesting and unique face tried to knock me unconscious.” The small, strange man with the interesting and unique face smiled. It was a very interesting and unique smile.

“Is he… cool?” Franky said after a long moment of awkward silence.

“Oh, certainly,” said Robin.

“Cool,” said Franky. “We were figuring out if this guy’s a cannibal or not.”

“Oh, he’s definitely a cannibal,” said Robin. “He told me all about it.” She gestured to the small, strange man, who nodded vigorously. She smiled, and looked up at the Count De Lisces. “Your castle has a fascinating history, count. I was hoping to learn a little more about it from you. Such a shame it turned out to be written in blood.”

Sanji was a little more economical with his words: “I’m gonna beat the shit out of you, you no-good excuse for a cook!”

The count laughed, and stepped back. In the glow of the fire, his silhouette seemed to stretch, to warp, to grow. “Oh, you poor souls…” There was an edge to his voice, a hard, rough undertone that hadn’t been there before. “You think this story ends with you defeating the monster, emerging victorious?” The small, strange man shrank behind Robin.

“No… no, I’m afraid not. Tell me, did you know that of all the animals of the world, only one hunts man for sport… besides man, that is?” The count was definitely growing now, his shadow blocking out the roaring fire. “On a certain island in the South Blue, villagers began disappearing without a trace. They suspected slavers, pirates, but do you know what the true culprit was?”A growl ripped through the air.

“It was the hunter of the forest! The only true equal to man in his viciousness! The shadow of the night! And I have made its power my own!” Count Yannibal De Lisces stood in the firelight. Orange and black flickered over his skin, but the stripes ran deeper than the light of the fire. They were laid into his skin, and beneath them bulged rippling muscle packed onto a frame that dwarfed even Brook. “Witness the strength of the true apex predator, the top of the food chain! Cat-Cat Fruit, Model: Tiger! I will feast on your--”

“Yeah, okay,” said Sanji, and kicked him in the face. Count De Lisces went over backwards yowling.

“Now listen to me, Count,” said Sanji, stepping forward. “In my opinion, you’re a shitty host leaving the human meat aside. But cannibalism? Serving human flesh to your unsuspecting guests?” On either side of him, Luffy and Chopper stepped up, fists clenched. “Do you have any idea how --”

“--unethical--”

“--gross--”

_“--unprofessional that is?”_

The count leapt, but Sanji’s leg moved faster, sending the tiger-count crashing into the finely decorated wall. In the light of the fire, the ember of his cigarette burning, he looked positively demonic. He leaned down, the sound of Luffy’s knuckles cracking echoing behind him.

“Consider this a lesson in cookery.”

As the chaos started at the far end of the dining table, Robin walked over to Nami and Zoro, who were surrounded by empty bottles -- apparently, far fewer than Zoro was hoping for.

“This one?” He said, exasperated. Nami shook her head. “No! Don’t open anything more than seventy-five years old!”

“Yeah, it’s eighty-three years old, from a vineyard that hasn’t been shit for two centuries! No one’ll give you more than fifty, fifty-five thousand berries for it! You have _pants_ that cost more than that!”

“My pants are none of your -- wait, how do _you_ know what a good vintage is?”

“Which one of us spends more time in liquor stores?”

Robin snuck a bottle away from the squabbling pair and sat down next to Franky. She popped the cork, offered him a swig, and when he declined took a few deep gulps for herself. Brook helped her finish off the bottle, and along with a queasy-looking Usopp, the four sat in companionable silence and watched. Dinner had been ruined, but at least the show was nice.

Some time later, Sanji stepped back, panting. He took a long draw of his cigarette, and ashed it over the feebly moaning count. Luffy and Chopper, who had worn themselves out a bit earlier, watched from the table. Sanji straightened his tie.

“When preparing tiger--” He stopped. “Wait, no, fuck this, no one cooks tiger! And no one cooks people! No food-related metaphors for you, shithead!” And with a final kick, he turned away.

“So, uh, what are we going to do about this?” Usopp said. Everyone else looked at him. He looked back defensively. “I mean, I don’t think the marines are going to take him! What, are we going to kill him?”

“Well…” Sanj said slowly.

Robin cleared her throat. The Straw Hats turned to look. Behind her stood the small, strange man. Behind _him_ stood another few dozen small, strange people.

“The count’s servants,” she said. “Apparently, they have some, ah, grievances. I’m sure they’d appreciate being left alone to… renegotiate the terms of their employment.” Sanji rubbed his chin. He walked over to the small, strange man and bent down.

“Look me in the eye,” he said. “No, both eyes. Oh, you-- your-- oh. Oh gosh. Okay, that’s fine. One eye is fine. Look,” he said, pushing past the pitfall, “this is important. Are you going to eat him?”

The small, strange man screwed up his face in disgust. Sanji looked him in the eye a second longer, then stood.

“Well, if you guys are okay with it…”

The Straw Hats left the castle of the Count of De Lisces behind, stumbling in the darkness (and, for some of them, drunkenness). They left with empty stomachs and arms full of old and expensive wines. When at last they arrived at the _Sunny,_ Sanji went to the kitchen. Usopp was already swearing up and down that he’d never eat again, and he was pretty sure Zoro had drunk two or three dinners, but everyone else would need the calories. And Usopp would probably be hungry in an hour. He had an excellent cut in the fridge; he could fry it up and --

Sanji opened the walk-in and saw the meat he was thinking of. It was a prize-winning slab of pork shoulder. Sanji thought about it for a long time. _Come on,_ he said to himself. _You watched the butcher cut it off the pig yourself. It’s fine. Are you really going to let that stupid count go to your head?_

Sanji threw it over the side anyway, although he felt a pang of guilt as ten pounds of pork vanished below the waves. Tonight, at least, he thought to himself, he would stick with fish.

**Author's Note:**

> I watched two episodes of Hannibal late one night. Then I wrote this entire fic in two hours, listening to The Reverend Horton Heat's 'Let Me Teach You How To Eat' on loop the entire time. For reference, that's about 36 Let Me Teach You How To Eats. It's entirely possible that this fic doesn't actually exist and I'm just posting the lyrics of Let Me Teach You How To Eat copied 36 times, and at this point my brain really is to fried to tell. Also, everyone is a little OOC to make the story funnier; in real fake life everyone would probably beat the shit out of this dude as soon as they realized the food was people and it would be really traumatic. But, y'know, it was Halloween when I wrote this (it was November 12th, close enough) so I'm allowed a little spooky license. If Oda can write a darkly comedic cannibal so can I. Also, the count's last name is pronounced 'delicious.'
> 
> If you want to see more stuff I've done you can check out my tumblr (theverybestpencilsoftuscaloosa). Thanks for reading!


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